GRANDMOTHER

”Oh my dear Girlie. Mummy should have known. I guess I should have known better. I could have done something about it. It’s been so many years Girlie; you have hidden your emotions inside you for so long. I have to show these letters to your father. I have to let him know. He needs to know; he needs to understand!”. “I don’t think it is a good idea to show him the letters now Mummy. I don’t know how he would react. I don’t know how I would react. I could not handle another emotional stress right now, Mum.” “Okay, Girlie. If that’s what you want. But, this should not be kept in secret. I shall tell your father when the time comes, at the right time. It’s not just for you Girlie, it’s for the sake of our family too. You understand?” “Yes, Mummy. Yes, I do understand”, by now Janet is feeling a lot better and there are no more tears in her eyes. “You know your father is not a bad person. He is responsible, upright and a good provider. He may be a quiet man, a man of few works, but he is not oblivious to what’s happening around him, Girlie. He is just a typical Chinese man of his time; a product of his social environment and upbringing which was preoccupied with male dominance, strict code of conduct supported by outdated customs and traditions. Actually, if you really get to know him, I supposed it is an ironical reference to a father, he is actually a good father in many ways. I guess in today’s terms being good in the tradition way is not good enough for the children. I have seen the world changing so fast. Children are so demanding now; the product of Western culture. We have accepted him as what he is dear. He has been with me for 30 years and a person cannot just change overnight. You need to give him time. Please forgive him, Girlie. I want you to have a good relationship with Pa, ok?”. “Ok, Mummy”, that’s all Janet could say.

“Neng, you better come up quick. Ma had a fall. She is now in the hospital and doctor advised us to get prepared!!”, Mr. Wong heard the shaking voice of his elder sister at the other end of the phone line. “Oh God, Oh my God. Mama is going!”, that’s all he could utter. While he is deeply affected by this sad news, he is not completely surprised by it. Janet’s grandmother has been ill for some time. She suffered from diabetes, osteoporosis and Alzheimer’s. These aging diseases have been gnawing her slowly, causing her to lose balance, stealing her memory, hampers her movement and responsible for her unusual weight loss. Her health deteriorated rapidly in recent months. She suffered a fall few months back, fractured her hip bone which required surgery. After the surgery, she has to depend on a walking stick to support her movements. After coming home from her hip surgery, Janet’s grandmother was not the same person again. She has lost appetite in almost everything. She speaks very little and her speech is incoherent. She has an empty look in her eyes. And when she is watching her favourite programme on the TV, her eyes are fixated in one direction of the screen, looking through the screen, like as if she is trying to recall something. At nights she often talks to herself in bed. She mumbles incoherently, but her daughter sleeping on the adjourning bed often hears her silent sobs, quietly calling out the name of her husband. They sleep in the same room but in separate beds so that Janet’s aunt who is unmarried could watch over her. She would raise her hands towards the ceiling and counts her fingers. On one occasion over breakfast, Janet’s aunt asked her mother why did she count her fingers at night? She told her daughter that she was counting the number of her dying days. She told her that she did not want to live anymore and that it was meaningless to live the way she is now. She told her daughter she is going to meet Janet’s grandfather. Janet’s aunt finds it increasingly hard to look after her grandmother as her aunt’s age is catching up on her and she has health problems of her own. It must be really tough on her because she has to support herself by working in an insurance company as a claims clerk. But, fortunately her burden is lightened because her grandmother’s other siblings also lived in Ipoh. They often visited her aunt and they gave each other assistance and support. One night her grandmother woke up from her bed to try to walk to the bathroom toilet to ease herself. She forgot to support herself with her walking stick. She labored to the bathroom door and stepped on a wet slippery patch. She slipped and fell. She could not reach the railing in front of her and her head hit against the tiled wall. Janet’s aunt heard a loud thudding sound in the bathroom and went to investigate. She found her mother lying motionless on the floor. She quickly rang for an ambulance and at the same time alerted Janet’s uncle in Ipoh. Janet’s grandmother is now lying in the Ipoh General Hospital, dying.

The drive up to Ipoh has never been so long and lonely. Janet and her parents hardly spoke in the car; their minds are preoccupied with the fate of the dying older lady. Finally they reached Ipoh and Mr. Wong drove straight to the Ipoh General Hospital. “Ma. How are you? I heard you had a fall in the bathroom. We are so worried about you and we all rushed up here. Keat and Kum will be here shortly. They have to fetch their kids from kindergarten. Are you ok, Ma?”, Mr. Wong was the first to ask the his mother, holding her weak hands. “Don’t worry about me Fook. I have lived my days. I have lived a good life. My time has come. I cannot burden all of you anymore. I am happy to go and join your father. You take care of your family alright? Like the way your father has taken care of all of you”. “Shhh…Please don’t say such things Poh-Poh. You will recover. I am sure you will. There are some good doctors in this hospital.”, Janet placed her soft palms onto each of her grandmother’s cheeks, with tears rolling from her own cheeks. More relatives and friends came to the hospital. They exchanged greetings and offered words of endearments to her grandmother. Some of them have not met or spoken to each other for years. “I have never seen such a big gathering of friends and relatives in a small tiny room. The surest way you can get them come together is in a hospital!”, the old lady can still pull a funny joke. Soon, it was getting dark and many have left, with some promising to come back the next day. “Father, you and Mummy can go back with auntie Mei. I will spend the night here with Ah Poh. I’ll keep a watch over Poh Poh tonight ”, Janet volunteered. They approved her filial attitude. Who could be better to look after the old lady better than a soon to be doctor. Her grandmother became tired and sleepy from the talking and noise surrounding her. Janet then fed her some fish porridge and made her a warm cup of Milo drink. “Go to sleep now, Poh Poh. You are tired. I will be here. I am just beside you if you need me okay? Please go to sleep Poh”, Janet tries to comfort her grandmother. She pulled the blanket over her thin body, to make her warm and comfortable. Then she lied down on the makeshift sliding chair next to her grandmother with her right hand touching her grandmother’s left, assuring her that she is keeping her company for the night. Gradually they fell to sleep. In the middle of the night, Janet could feel her grandmother’s fingers squeezing hers. “Do you want something Poh? You want to go to the toilet?”, she asks her grandmother. “No, Ling Ling. I can’t sleep. I have been looking at you. You have all grown up, still as beautiful as the first day I saw you, holding you in my arms and your pair of big dark eyes smiling at me even as you were crying. You know Ling, you are the most different among all my grandchildren, even from young. You have so much feelings and emotions in you which you express them in the most unusual way. Watching a sad movie could easily bring tears to your eyes and when you made a mistake, you could laugh at yourself. Once Kung Kung and me took you to watch an international badminton tournament finals. It was a mixed double match between Korea and Japan. The Koreans were the underdogs but they won. And when the Korean national anthem was played at the prize presentation ceremony, the Korean players were emotionally affected by the occasion and started to cry unashamedly. But to our surprise, you cried along with them too and you were only seven years old at the time. So many years have passed now and soon you will be a doctor. I am so proud of you Ling Ling”. “Go to sleep now Poh. I want to see you up and about tomorrow morning”. “I don’t see you wearing the jade necklace anymore. You must have given it to the boy, Daniel. You love him very much, don’t you? He is a lucky boy, Ling Ling”. “Yes, Poh. I have given your jade necklace to Daniel. He is the first boy I love and will ever love. He says he wants to marry me. I hope we can have a successful marriage like yours with Kung Kung. Any advice Poh?”. “It’s such a difficult question, Ling Ling. I have seen the changing times. My time is different from yours. I live in a time of feudal system and male dominance. Men and women have very strict code of conduct and behaviour. We accepted our inequality. Young people today are so very independent with strong views on everything. They question everything and they are so rebellious. They are so much influenced by Western culture. We live in different times. The biggest decision in the life of a woman is to choose the right man to marry. Marriage is a union between two very different individuals. Don’t try to be right all the time and expecting your partner to fit into your expectations. If you love your man enough, you will see that being right and winning are not the ultimate goals in a relationship. The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that being equal is not necessary the right formula. May you find joy, peace and happiness my dear Ling Ling’. These were the last words she spoke. Janet’s grandmother died in her sleep that night.

The matriarch’s body is lying in the funeral parlour at the back of the Church. She is having a Christian burial. Janet’s grandparents have embraced the Christian faith after leaving their village to seek a better life in Kwang Tung. China in the 1920s was in turmoil. The country was deeply divided in ideologies with warlords taking over the running of parts of the vast country. China as a nation was weakened by ideology divide and decades of in-fighting among her top citizens. Her weakened position became vulnerable and she was unable to put up any strong resistance to foreign invasion. It was a time when China saw the influx of foreign powers and the Japanese occupation. But out of this political upheaval, were some educated Chinese who championed and campaigned for nationalism The foremost pioneer of Nationalist China was Dr. Sun Yat Sen who is referred as the founding father of the Republic of China. He was a revolutionary republican and an anti-Qing activist who was very popular among the overseas Chinese and Chinese students abroad. Janet’s grandfather was a secondary school teacher in Kwang Tung, teaching Chinese history to his students. With the foreign powers also came their Christian missionaries. They set up missionary schools, offering free schooling to poor and underprivileged Chinese children and preaching Christianity. Janet’s grandparents had befriended a German missionary couple. They wanted to learn Chinese history from her grandfather. The association turned to be of mutual admiration and respect. For while the German couple were fascinated by the rich heritage of Chinese history which stretched over five thousand years, her grandparents were amazed to learn from them that there was another big world outside China with countries which possessed equally rich heritage, albeit with a shorter history. And although these countries had a shorter history, their influence on every aspect of the development of the human culture was wide, deep and profound. These Western countries were progressive, rich and powerful. While China had followed an inward looking policy, the Western World on the other hand adopted expansionism. Western culture began with Classical Greece which flourished during the 5th to 4th centuries BC and provided the foundation of Western civilization This was followed by a period of the Roman conquests which resulted in a vast Roman Empire. The Romans enlarged and strengthened the Greek influenced Western culture. The Romans maintained a long and enduring Empire which had a profound and lasting influence on the development of religion, language and culture, particularly Europe. This Western civilization was further reformed and modernized by the fifteen-century Renaissance and Reformation. The successive European empires spread the European ways of life and education, especially to the Third World countries, between the sixteenth and twentieth centuries. While the Middle Kingdom remained just that, in the middle, the Western World encircled, captured and dominated by means of land conquests and sea expeditions. While China boasted of earliest inventions in all things, it was the Western World that developed these inventions to a higher level; they had improved on them, shared them and benefited the human kind generally. The Middle Kingdom never saw the need to seek riches by conquests. Their vast land had enough resources to sustain them and moreover they were the centre of the universe, the ‘sons of heavens’, they were supreme. To ancient China, people in the outside world were devilish barbarians. It was through their friendship with the German missionary couple that Janet’s grandparents started learning their religion and they eventually embraced the Christian faith.

Janet’s eldest uncle was the first to rise from his chair in the front row and walked go up the rostrum to give her mother’s eulogy. He spoke about half an hour. And all the time while he was speaking, Janet’s father was holding her hand. Janet felt very uncomfortable and uneasy; she thought her father’s behavior somewhat strange. For in her memory, her father had never held her hand for long, he is always on guard, never shows his emotions in public. She thought that perhaps her father was very much affected by the death his mother. She squeezed his hand in acknowledgment as to give him the moral support he needed. Then came her father’s turn to give his eulogy. He finally let go of his hold on Janet’s hand and rose slowly from his seat and walked up to the rostrum.

“Dear relatives and friends. Thank you for coming here to join us in our hour of grief. Many of you have travelled from afar to be here to share our grief, and I noticed some among you here were former students of my late father. My parents must have touched many lives in their lives.
Mama was a simple gentle woman born in a small village in China. She met Papa who was from a neighbouring village. Those days, marriages between young men and women were by custom, arranged marriages. Courtship by unmarried young couples was frown upon and indeed if ever found out, would bring shame, especially to the girls’ families. But, my Ma followed her heart; she fell in love with my late Pa, who himself was not much of a conformer of customs and traditions. They got married and decided to leave their villages to settle down in Kwang Tung. My Papa started his teaching career in a primary school and Mama was a home maker. They had no relatives and few friends; they only had each other. Life was harsh and they faced many hardships and obstacles. But, my Papa and Mama had an unbreakable love bond to carry them through that even death couldn't diminish the sacred vow they have shared. While Papa was the one who put rice on the table for the family to eat, it was my Mama who taught us life. My Pa’s students often came visiting us; with some trying to get extra tuition from my Papa. My Mama would always welcome them, no matter how busy she was. She would ask them to stay for dinner, no matter how short we were in our supplies. My Mama has this uncanny way of putting forth her thought. I remember one time she said to my Pa’s students that, "Your knowledge will give you an entry, but it’s your caring that will put you up there”.

China in the 1920s were really in bad shape. Ordinary folks found hard to make a decent living with an uncertain future. My parents had young mouths to feed. My Mama couldn’t put up with the dire situation any longer. One day she told my Pa, “If we could leave our villages for themselves, we must also do it for our children”. She was ahead of her time and indeed a transformative figure. Through their friendship with a German missionary couple, my parents were introduced to Dr. Sun Yat Sun. My father would not miss an opportunity of going to hear Dr. Sun’s speeches on Chinese nationalism. They became friends. One day my Papa told Dr. Sun that he wished to take his family to go to Nanyang to seek a better future, just like some of his colleagues before him. Although Dr. Sun had urged him not to ‘abandon’ China and follow him to ‘free’ his homeland, nevertheless he eventually gave in, realizing that it was futile to stop my parents. And it was due to his good grace that our family landed in Malaya, and the Chung Hwa High School in Setapak, Kuala Lumpur gave him a teaching job. It was another strange new world for my Mama again. She had sacrificed so much for us. Although my father was a respected teacher in the Chung Hwa High School, he had 6 children to feed. My parents wanted to give all of us, boys and girls, the best that they could give. My Mama was a wife, a mother, a homemaker, and she also worked part-time in the shoe factory nearby to help lessen my Papa’s burden. Many of my Papa’s students are here today. They came here not just for their teacher’s wife but because of their genuine love and affection for an old lady who happened to cross their life journeys, paved with her generosity, kindness, care and love. My Mama had prepared her departure well. Even in her final hours, she still carries her departure with wisdom and dignity. My Mama has written her own eulogy with a poem. It was written in Chinese, but I managed to get my wife to translate it into English. This is Mama’s poem, it is written for all of us.

“ Love was all I could give you and love is still what I would give”
We live in this world but only for awhile;
And when I am gone, please release me and let me go;
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears;
You can only guess how much happiness you gave to me;
So rejoice with me and cherish the happy memories we had shared;
I have done what is expected of me and much more;
My love I gave freely and I am blessed with love coming back in abundance;
But now it’s time for me to travel alone;
You must go on life without me;
But I won’t be far away;
And if you ever need me, say a little prayer and call me;
I will be near;
And if you listen gently with your peaceful heart;
You’ll hear my love around you;
Farewell, till we meet again.

On their way home, Janet says to her father, “Pa. PoPo has gone to a better place. She is with the Lord now. She is resting in peace. Pull yourself together Pa. Don’t be so sad, okay? I know how deeply affected you must be by PoPo’s departure. The whole time when Uncle Peng was giving his Eulogy, you looked so sad, you held on to my hands for almost half an hour for support”. “Yes, Ling Ling. I was indeed very sad at that moment. My heart felt sad for PoPo but my hand was for you”. “What? For me? What’s this about Pa?” Janet is confused by her father’s remark. “You know I am a man of few words around the house. I speak so little to all of you; I speak only when necessary. I now know how much this must have affected you. Time has passed us by and I cannot bring it back. I will try to be a Dad. So for every minute I held your hand, is a year of lost words I should have spoken.”