Aching Hearts

“Doe, a deer, a female deer, John!”, Janet stops her singing purposefully and points her index finger at her young student John. “Ray, a drop of golden sun”, John continues the lyrics and he then points his finger at Siew Keng. “Me, a name I call myself”, Siew Keng points to herself then she turns to Raju. Janet is enjoying the sing-along session with her charge. She has volunteered to help out in the seminary of the Little Sister of the Poor in Cheras. The nuns in the seminary has a mission to help the poor, especially kids from broken homes and underprivileged backgrounds. The mission is to give free tuition to these kids aimed at helping them to pass their exams. This year, Janet is tasked with organizing the Christmas Eve Cantata; a religious musical performed by children accompanied by an orchestra. She is preparing her children for the Christmas Eve performance in the St John’s Cathedral. “Listen boys and girls, geography is the study of the earth and its lands, features and inhabitants. It is good to learn geography because you would appreciate the earth and its peoples better if you travelled abroad when you grow up”, Mable is teaching geography to another group of children in the seminary. “Mathematics is one of the oldest and most important subjects. People like its challenge, its clarity, and the fact that you know when you are right. Many scientific inventions and discoveries would not be possible without mathematics. So, enjoy your mathematics.” ,Mrs. Gan is teaching her favourite subject, mathematics to her students in another classroom in the seminary. She is a mathematics teacher in a secondary school in Ampang. These women have all volunteered their free time to help in the seminary, run by the Catholic nuns.

Mable Razario is married to Peter Fernandez. They were childhood sweethearts and grew up in the Portuguese Settlement in Malacca. They are both born Catholics, a long lasting legacy left on the shores of Melacca by their seafaring ancestors from Portugal. Peter is older than Mable by just a year. He left the Settlement and came to KL to further his Sixth Form education. They kept in touch by letters which Peter wrote frequently. Most weekends, would see him riding his motor bike in the scorching sun, heading south to Malacca to meet his girlfriend. After finishing his Sixth Form, Peter decided he had enough of studies and applied to work in an insurance company. He secured the job easily over his competitors, due mainly to his pleasant personality, confidence and flawless English. He wrote and pleaded with Mable to join him in KL. Lovelorn Mable jumped at the opportunity and managed to get a job as an administrative executive in a college. They were happy together in KL. They loved the capital and its people. They are a likeable, generous and gregarious couple. They loved to party and played generous hosts to their friends by holding parties and gatherings in their rented apartment. Among their closest friends are friends and relatives from the same Portuguese Settlement in Malacca; some of whom could trace their ancestral roots to certain towns of Portugal. No matter how late they partied into the nights, came Sundays, they never failed to attend Mass and partook in Holy Communion. Soon, Peter got tired of working as an employee and he decided to venture into the antics business. He reckoned that with his networking built up during years in the insurance company and that the country was going through a prolonged economic boom, antics furniture would be a good business venture. He was proven right. For his business continued to grow and he was well off, although not yet a millionaire, He then proposed to Mable and they got married and had a memorable, beautiful church wedding. They have two children; a boy who is now 10 years old and a daughter who is now 8. Peter had a big break soon marrying Mable when the Saudi Royal Family ordered a large shipment of expensive rare antics furniture from him. Soon after that, opportunities knocked on his door and his business continued to grow and expand. Later he invited his own brother to join him. Peter is now a rich and successful businessman. He now travels first class to conduct business dealings in overseas destinations and stay in expensive posh hotels. Despite his wealth and changed lifestyle, he still remains true to Mable. He is also a good and dotting father to his children. He bought a two-acre piece of empty land in Bukit Tunku and built a big bungalow for his family. They often travel overseas for holidays during school breaks and he would buy Mable expensive gifts and toys for his children. Life seemed perfect. But Mable is unhappy.

Samantha Lee is married to Dr. Gan Kong Seng who is a lecturer in a renown public university. Dr. Gan is a brilliant scholar who obtained his PhD in mathematics from a prestigious English traditional university. Samantha was her student. He called her Sam. She idolized and adored him almost to the point of worshipping him. He would go out his way to help her in her studies, like staying back after class to tutor her in mathematics; much to the envy and also criticism from his other students. Samantha passed her Cambridge ‘A’ Level exams with good grades but did not go on to pursue further studies because her parents could not afford to put her into university plus they have to support her four younger brothers who were all of schooling ages. She applied for a teaching post in a primary school in KL. She was a competent and caring lecturer and often went out of her way to help her young students to cope with their mathematics; a commendable trait she learnt from Dr. Gan. After two years of teaching, she was promptly recommended for promotion to teach mathematics in a secondary school. Although they have a 11-year age gap, it did not deter their affection for each other. They soon embarked on a love relationship. Samantha comes from a Catholic family and Dr, Gan is brought up in the Taoist customs and traditions. Because of this religious difference, Samantha’s family was against their relationship initially. But, they could see Dr. Gan truly loved their daughter and that she was happy with him. He was very sensitive to her emotions and attentive to her needs. He accompanied her to attend mass in the Holy Rosary Church every Sunday. He even attended catechism classes to learn her faith and later became a convert. Samantha’s parents soon changed their opinion about Dr. Gan. They could see that he was successful in his job and earning high salary. Their daughter would have the love and security of a matured man. They got married in the Holy Rosary Church. They were happy together. His career blossomed too. They have four children. He was an excellent academician attached to the Malayan university. He has carried out high level research work on solving some of the most complex mathematics equations, wrote a best-selling text book on mathematics for upper secondary school children, and his writings were published in some of the world’s most respected journals and magazines. Dr. Gan is often invited by foreign universities and professional bodies to give talks or conduct seminars. He happily welcomed the opportunities as he would negotiate to include his family to accompany him for such engagements. Samantha’s knowledge also widened which helped in her job too. Dr, Gan loves his wife and is a wonderful father to his children. Life seemed blissful. But, like Mable Fernandez, Samantha Gan is unhappy too. Perhaps the reason for their volunteer to help out in the seminary is to find solace in the church, among the people whom they could find support from each other.

After their sessions with the children, the women volunteers would usually adjourn to the private lounge upstairs which is the residence of Sister Gertrude, the Mother Superior. They help themselves to the afternoon tea, coffee, kueh, biscuits and other tidbits. This is also an opportunity for them to catch up with each other and to engage in some gossiping in other people’s lives too. Sister Gertrude would sometimes join them in their little conversations and the ladies in luck today. Sister Gertrude is an Irish nun who is known for her soft and gentle manners. Much as she has a soft and gentle disposition, she also has a steely determination to finish any project that she has started with the best possible results. She hears everything, sees all things with quiet inquisitiveness and prays for those she piously refers to as ‘poor souls’. She is very popular among her women faithful and they respect and trust her for her genuine interest in their lives. They say she would carry their ‘secrets to her grave’. Today there only 4 of them in the private lounge. Sister Gertrude, Mable Fernandez, Samantha Gan and Janet.

“How’s the family, Mable?”, Sister Gertrude started the conversation with her soft voice. “We are fine, Sister. Thank you.”, Mable replies. “How are the children doing?”, Sister Gertrude continues. “Paul is doing well in school, Sister. He has joined the church choir and met some good friends there. Penelope is learning to play the piano. She is very musical. Paul says he wants to become a businessman like his father when he grows up”, Mable answers. “Yes. And how is Peter?”, Sister Gertrude continues with her routine. “He is doing great in his business Sister. He travels quite often overseas for business, mainly to Europe and India”, Mable lowers her voice and appears to lose composition. Suddenly, Mable bursts into tears. She promptly takes out her handkerchief from her handbag, covers her face and starts to sob uncontrollably. “Oh, Child! What’s wrong?”, Sister Gertrude asks with a worried tone. “I don’t know how to begin Sister. It’s so humiliating. It breaks my heart to say this”, Mable cries. “You can tell me child. What’s been bothering you?”, she would not give up. “It’s Peter. He has stopped going Church!”, Mable finally reveals her unhappiness. “What? Peter has stopped taking the communions? Oh God. How long has this been going on, Mable?”, Sister Gertrude is genuinely concerned. “He has not stopped going altogether Sister. He only goes when he feels like going. This has been going on for the past two years Sister. Sorry, I didn’t tell you.”, Mable finally reveals her unhappiness. “Each Saturday night, I cry myself to sleep. I feel so alone and empty without him beside me and the children in church on Sunday. I can feel some people persecute me with their telling eyes, as if it is my fault that my husband has stopped going to church. I can’t stand it any longer Sister!”, Mable is really depressed now. “You must have a heart to heart talk with Peter child. He is a good man. I am sure he will return to the Lord’s fold.”, Sister Gertrude advises. Mable then relates to Sister Gertrude the conversation she had with her husband. “You have changed Peter. Ever since you became rich, you are not the same man you used to be. You now have different friends. You play golf with them, drink with them and God knows what else you have been doing with them!”, Mable confronted her husband. “Sure. Do you think I can become rich just by playing a loving husband and a dotting father to my children? I have to network, work hard and play hard in order to build up my business. I have to provide for my family, giving my family the best I could. Is that wrong, Mable?”, Peter shouted back. “We were born into this religion, Mable. I just accepted it, practiced it, without really understanding it. But, just because I don’t go to church like the way I did before, doesn’t mean that I am going to change my religion. I am a businessman, I need to network to expand my business; that means I need to entertain my clients, play golf with them on Sundays sometimes. I still love you and our kids. I don’t keep a mistress like many successful businessmen do. I provide for all your needs and much more. Isn’t it sufficient? It’s not a big deal that I don’t accompany you and the kids to church every Sunday. I will go with you when I have the time. Can you try to understand? Your unhappiness hurts me too.”, Peter told Mable when they are lying in bed one night.

“I really feel for you Mable.”, Samantha Gan consoles her friend. “Thanks Sam”, Mable feels better with understanding friends around her today. Suddenly Samantha too bursts into tears. “Are you ok child?”, Sister Gertrude clasps her palms gently on Samantha’s. “I am having the same problem with my husband Sister. Dr. Gan has also refused to go to church with the family anymore.”, Samantha reveals. “Oh no. What’s got into Dr. Gan now?”, she enquires. “Dr. Gan has gone back to his old ways!”, Samantha exclaims tearfully. “What do you mean old ways, child?”, the nun is pressing her for an answer, but actually she likes to listen to other people’s private lives. “He is going back to his Taoist ways”, she says. “He says he doesn’t believe in the Catholic faith anymore. He says we are worshipping idols and follow outdated religious practices made by men!”, Samantha explains with sadness in her teary eyes. “Oh my God! Then, why did he marry you in the first place? Didn’t both of you talk about your faith before you got married to him? I thought he was converted.”, Sister Gertrude is trying hard to understand it all. “Of course we did Sister. He did accompany me and the children to Mass every Sunday in our early years of marriage. Then he started to lose interest and his visits became fewer and fewer over the years. Then last year, he just stopped going altogether!”, Samantha breaks down and cries. “Control yourself Sam. Crying won’t solve the problem, Did you talk it over with him?”, Sister Gertrude asks the same question she asked Mable earlier. Samantha then told Sister Gertrude and her friends around her what Dr. Gan has told her.

“Religion is a personal matter Sam. You have to understand that I was brought up in a Taoist family, steeped in our customs and traditions. My family and my forefathers have been praying to our ancestors for generations. You know when I was young, every evening I would light joss sticks and offer my respect to my ancestors and the deities. I stick joss sticks into the urns of the god of haven altar in front of the house, ancestors altar in the lounge and god of prosperity altar in the kitchen. I became a Catholic because of you. I love you, I wanted to marry you. I am sorry. Honestly Sam, I don’t believe in any religion at all. From the dawn of civilization, mankind always looked towards the sky for someone higher to believe in, When they cannot find answers to their problems, unable to comprehend certain events or happenings, they pray to the man in the man in the sky to for answers. I can understand why they are doing it. If it gives them temporary relief and comfort, why not. But, to call it God, is not my cup of tea. I think I am a decent man. I don’t gamble, smoke or womanize. I still love you and the kids. So, what’s the big deal if I am not, in your language, a practicing Catholic?” Dr. Gan explains to wife ruefully.

“Oh God! Oh my God! What’s the world has come to?”, Sister Gertrude then pulls the heads of both Mable and Samantha to her bosom, gently touching their cheeks, wiping away their tears, her troubled face looking at Janet. “Forgive them my Lord. For they don’t know what they are doing”, it pains Sister Gertrude to hear the heart breaking news about Peter Fernandez and Dr. Gan Kong Seng.

“We must pray for them”, Sister Gertrude gives her final solution. “Yes. Pray for THEM”, Janet adds thoughtfully.